My lover's gone!

The first time I saw those red, shiny high stilettos….so exquisite, so unattainable sitting on the top ledge of the window display, I had fallen for them and hard, I might add. It was love at first sight. My friend introduced us. I had also received the low-down on how many women had lusted after them and that made them even more alluring. I didn’t go in and make the purchase immediately, I wasn’t sure if it was worth the investment and whether I would be able to carry them off. I left for Canada to complete my last semester in university, but I couldn’t get the memories out of my system. My heart was still in India.

I came back and brought that exotic, beautiful love into my life. I was a virgin when it came to heels this high. I knew they were high-maintenance shoes but I wanted to take the chance because this pair was just so pretty. You should have seen the pride on my face the first time I put those heels on. I was on the top of the world, literally :)... But an hour into it, I could feel the shoes biting into my skin. Painful boils appeared on my ankles and feet, I figured it was just adjustment problems, it was a new relationship after all. We just needed time to get used to each other, that was all...right?

I constantly got admiring glances from people, especially from envious women. My friends told me how we made such a great pair and how I nice looked in those shoes. I had to make a whole lot of changes to accommodate my new love in my life, but I didn’t mind. I had to change my wardrobe because I had nothing stylish enough to go with them. I had to stop eating the way I did and join the gym because the shoes deserved a svelte body on top of them. I had to put ice packs on my ankles after every wear.

The painful affair continued. It was an addiction of sorts. I missed my shoes during the work-week obviously. I could only enjoy their company on the weekends... when I went to a club or restaurant that was swanky enough. That wasn’t enough for me, I wanted to wear them more often. But, every time I wore my lovely shoes on the weekend, all the problems with my ankles and feet would resurface. I could not dance anymore in those shoes, even though I absolutely love dancing. Those shoes for made for me stand elegantly like a lady with a cosmopolitan in my hands and smile at the photographers. I couldn’t be the carefree, almost clumsy, dancing clubber who got high on music...anymore.

It started to become extremely uncomfortable, every time we were together. I thought I had resigned to the fact that these shoes were high-maintenance and this relationship would take a lot of work. But I started to feel like I didn’t have any patience for it anymore. I started to prefer other, more comfortable pairs of shoes over this one. I could not wear the shoes anywhere but parties anyway and thanks to my work shifts I wouldn’t go out much. The distance between us grew. Then I finally resigned to the fact that these shoes didn’t fit now and there was no way they would fit me in the future. It wasn’t working out for us anymore. A year and a half is a long time.

I would have to give up my first real love and would cherish the memories. It was time to leave them in my closet...forever. Maybe they were made for another woman and not me... it was the only way I can console myself. They weren't made to take me through the different walks of life, so I am a lone ranger from now on.

I am the I in INDIA

"The day I was born in this country, this country was also born in me.

I can feel it running through my guts when I'm angry and throbbing in my veins when I'm glad. I am India and India is me.

Starting today, I have decided that I will not point fingers at anyone any more. Instead, those fingers will be pointed at me.

I am the system that does not work. I am the pothole on the road that doesn't get filled. I am the FIR that doesn't get filed. I am the bridge that doesn't get built.

Everything that's wrong with this country starts with me. And will soon end with me.

I am India and India is me."

If only I could have put it so nicely in my previous post about taking ownership of the country. I am inspired ... the magic of some good copy, I guess. Hats off to the Times group for launching this great initiative called LEAD India. My interest in definitely captured by the concept of citizens getting involved with the administration of the country, but let's see how far and how well they are able to implement it.

Jai Hind!

I am no cyber-coolie...

While interviewing for a job, I got chatting with another prospective candidate for the same job in the reception area just after she had talked with the manager of that department. She said that she was asked about her thoughts on 'outsourcing and its spurt in India' . She told him she didn't really have any thoughts on it. A week into the job, me and my manager were conversing over a cup of 'chai-latte' (we are a US office, what did you expect us to drink? ) and he mentioned to me that on of the reasons why the other candidate was refused was because she didnt have any opinion on 'outsourcing' as a phenomena in India, especially Hyderabad. :O

I didn't realise the importance and relevance of this concept till I joined the corporate world in India. I dont know what the manager wanted to hear from that other girl but if I was asked the same question. I would have uttered my favourite word in the world - DEPENDS. I think it really depends on the kind of outsourcing that is done by the parent company.

In the case that the outsourcing was based on extracting the lower layers of the corporate pyramid i.e. horizontally, in order to move the operational or technical support branches to a cheaper shore...I would have no qualms about calling it 'Neo-colonialism'. Its no different from what happened to us fifty years ago. The cheaper labour and various other mineral and natural resources that India was abundant in attracted the British to our lands, which they raped consistently for two hundred odd years and left. They are doing the same to our intellectual property now! Getting workers who are going to be extremely competent with some amount of training and will be available to work at 1/10th the cost of a U.S. worker. The question is whether a worker is going to ever progress from that operational/techie position into something that allows him professional and personal growth? If it does...then it might be a different scenario altogether.

The best case scenario is when the functions that are moved out are neither horizontal nor vertical and are picked out based on client related operations which requires locational promixity and those functions that are office-based and make up the intelligence behind the client-related services. People from different levels in the organization should sit in the offshore office and hence those starting out with the company even in that office can move up the ladder in the parent company. I guess this is prevelant in certain companies that have set-up an office in India. I think, here, they are utilizing the human capital in this country in a more respectful way and utilizing their intellectual capabilities to its maximum. Job roles are generally more well-defined and meet the learning quotients that employees deserve.

And even if the job is not exactly as per an employee's dream, they can learn a lot from the company they work for. Understanding the way a multinational company is managed and getting a taste of globalization from an insider's viewpoint can ignite ideas. Ideas that can be converted to entrepreneurship for our country, something we really need to build the domestic business scenario. Utopia is an Indian economy that is supported majorly by Indian businesses. A long way to go I know, but we have come an unbelievably long way since independence so my tone is optimistic when I say that utopia is not unachievable.

Disclaimer: My views are my own are not meant to offend anyone or their profession. R E S T E C P to all my brothas n sistas out there ( Love AliG lol. Special thanks to 'Walker' who reads my posts carefully enough to correct my spellings :)

My memo to me

To-Do:

1. Read the news everyday - Get over my aversion to it
2. Take guitar classes
3. Take salsa and hip-hop dance classes
4. Join a theatre group
5. Make it to a world-class MBA Program in the U.S.
6. Continue my mentorship program till 2009
7. Travel on second-class trains on a meagre budget with my bottle of mineral water and a backpack....all over India
8. Learn how to drive without killing anyone
9. Spend a summer in Europe
10. Learn photography
11. Eat paani-puri
12. Get engaged - to the RIGHT guy
13. Get my nose pierced - again
14. Go to Goa - every year
15. Go to Tirupati - as often as possible
16. Meet new people, make new friends and keep the old ones
17. Eat bread-omelette or dhaba chinese at 2 in the morning on the road-side
18. Learn how to carry the sari elegantly...well, atleast without tripping on it
19. Sip on world cocktails
20. Dance all night, Sleep all day

Good news vs Bad news

1. 'Sensex hits a whopping 20,000'
2. 'Mukhesh Ambani, now the world's richest'
3. 'Lesbian lovers tie the knot in Vishakapatnam'
4. 'Indian wins Nobel Prize along with Gore.'

vs

1. '50 million women missing in India.' (due to female infanticide, foeticide, dowry deaths etc)
2. ' Cracker unit blast fails to stir government.' (a blast in an illegal cracker factory in the city which took the lives of seven children)
3. ' Dalit women raped by local policemen'
4. ' City of joy turns into a war zone' - (violence in Calcutta over the nandigram issue)

Balanced? When they say every place has its positive and negative aspects, I cannot think of a country more apt to that statement....my own Bharat 'mahaan'.....

'The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.'

Frost rings true in my ears, I have made promises to my land. And every Indian should have his/her own promises too. Because 'balance' is not the aim. It's on each one of us to make the difference, to take the high road, to have the passion to act for what is right .... I am quite tired of blaming our government, you should be too...

My spot on earth

During one of the long bus rides to work that I often complain about, a bit of an epiphany occurred. I had my ipod on in order to keep my mind off the intensive heat mixed with dusty, polluted wind flying at my face through the window. I was also trying to shoo away the nostalgic thoughts of the air-conditioned subway and train rides that I used to take to work in downtown Toronto. Then this song from the movie 'Swades' came on and I found myself really paying attention to the lyrics without being even slightly distracted by my own thoughts or surroundings (which is hard for me as I am most scatter-brained person around; definitely display symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder). The lyrics go like this:

Ye jo des hai tera, swades hai tera, tujhe hai pukaara
Ye woh bandhan hai jo kabhi toot nahin sakta

Mitti ki jo khushboo, tu kaise bhoolaayega
Tu chaahe kahin jaaye, tu laut ke aayega
Nayi nayi raahon mein, dabi dabi aahon mein
Khoye khoye dilse tere, koyi ye kahega
Ye jo des hai tera, swades hai tera, tujhe hai pukaara
Ye woh bandhan hai jo kabhi toot nahin sakta

Tujhse zindagi, hai ye keh rahi
Sab toh paa liya, ab hai kya kami
Yun toh saare sukh hai barse
Par door tu hai apne gharse
Aa laut chal tu ab diwaane
Jahaan koyi toh tujhe apna maane
Awaaz de tujhe bulaane, wahi des
Ye jo des hai tera, swades hai tera, tujhe hai pukaara
Ye woh bandhan hai jo kabhi toot nahin sakta

Ye pal hai wahi, jis mein hai chhupi
Koyi ek sadi, saari zindagi
Tu na poochh raaste mein kaahe
Aaye hain is tarha do raahein
Tu hi toh hai raah jo sujhaaye
Tu hi toh hai ab jo ye bataaye
Chaahe toh kis disha mein jaaye wahi des
Ye jo des hai tera, swades hai tera, tujhe hai pukaara
Ye woh bandhan hai jo kabhi toot nahin sakta

The simplicity of the song increased the complexity of my feelings about 'my' country...Every word rang true in my ears and my heart.

Let me give you a little background about me - I spent most of my years in Delhi. My family and I moved to Hyderabad and I joined a certain ladies' college that was supposedly the best of the lot. Eight months into it and highly disillusioned with the higher education system in India (which is too theoretical and rigid for my taste), I packed my bags and left for the first university that accepted me in Canada after a long-drawn fight with my father about him not letting me leave without being engaged/married (he wanted a security measure against me running off with a man from another race/caste/religion).

After an extremely enjoyable four years in Canada, I am enriched personally, professionally and every other way possible. But there was always one thing missing, the sense of belonging to that land. Walking the busy streets of Toronto, looking at all the people around me in this constantly hustling bustling city... I still somehow felt alone, somehow; out of place. I wanted to figure out how all my university friends from first-year who came in as international students; were now in the process of becoming permanent residents and were planning settle in this foreign country. They were happy being away from home. I wanted to be like them, I had an equal or even better
(as I worked really hard in University to get good grades, great networking and prestigious internships) chance of landing a fantastic job and also settling in this great country, but I just couldn't get myself to do it. A fantastic career in a fantastic country was not enough for me. I wanted more or maybe something entirely different, I wasn’t sure.

I had a million doubts, inhibitions, and fears. I had that gut feeling that I was making a huge mistake...but I came back anyway. My country was calling me and I had to listen. I longed to be around my own people ... those who didn't look at me for those two seconds extra trying to register the difference (of culture, of skin colour, of behaviour ) in their minds. My people, who let me be anonymous when I want to be but will listen when I call out for help.. I listened to bollywood songs, ate chaat on the road and celebrated Id/Christmas and Diwali with equal fervour all my life without realizing the innate Indianness in me, until I left for a foreign land and missed the small yet fantastic pleasures of this country. And I owed something back to India, so I figured I would not contribute further to the brain drain problem. I will work here; pay taxes here, contribute to the GDP here and maybe even find a higher purpose in life.

I came back with hesitation, questions in mind…What was my purpose in India other than the micro-economic existence that was going to be my life i.e my parents, my friends and my work? The minute I walked out the airport, things became clear somehow….I saw the poor kids in their tattered clothes and bare feet, who walked up to me to try to sell me stuff worth Rs 10 to gather money for one square meal a day. But, I also saw the lack of disappointment when I said I didn’t want to buy anything, they would just go off hopefully in search of another customer…It’s not a struggle anymore, It’s a way of life for them. I saw the tired old rickshaw puller who was lugging at his means of livelihood with all his might but I also saw the smile on his face when the customer gave him Rs 15 extra. I know that there are so many things wrong with India but there is also an ingrained hope that we will be able to change all this some day, maybe not in our lifetimes but in time for our children to enjoy the change. I am hopeful…..for myself and the people around me.

I know I constantly complain about the pollution, the traffic, the lack of civic sense in our fellow citizens, the corruption that exists right down to the lowest levels of our political and administration systems. But the one thing that bothers me most about this country is the poverty and hunger around me. Even though our country is supposedly one of the fastest growing economies of the world, the poverty line is standing strong and the underprivileged will always be that because no one is empowering them to better their standards of living. I figured this was one cause that I could somehow make my contribution to, even if the scope of the impact is a classroom of 28 children. Education is a strong tool of empowerment and that’s where I decided to channel my energy.

The first month at my company, I met a few like-minded people who have the same passion that I do and our ‘mentorship’ program came into existence. The plan was to choose a charity school – Vivekananda Public School was enthusiastic; so we got on board with them to mentor and develop 28 (8th and 9th grade) children to have an equal shot at life. The first Saturday that we went into their school was coincidentally Mahatma Gandhi’s birthday (the headmaster called us Gandhi’s disciples who were out to change the country forever – lol …. That was a gross exaggeration for sure) and after a short function we got to interact with them. Standing in front of them and talking to them was a daunting task for me, because they were no ordinary kids. Maybe my stereotypes/prejudices or misconceptions came into play, because I had expected them to be quiet and slightly apprehensive about us strangers coming and teaching them alien concepts like communication skills, personality development, career counselling and computer skills. But to my pleasant surprise, there were extremely enthusiastic and inquisitive. What was even more interesting, was the fact that there were more girls in the class than boys, and considering they come from very low-income households (the parents of most kids are illiterate and working as labourers, servants, drivers etc) I was surprised so many parents thought their girls should also study as opposed to staying at home as home-makers while their brothers went to school. I am glad to see that even the grass-root levels of our society (some of the urban-dwellers atleast) are understanding the importance of education for the future generations. The girls were boisterous and the boys were kind of shy, contradicting the commonly held gender stereotypes and I am happy to see the change taking place in our country too which is still considered backward when it comes to gender equality issues. Indian girls are slowly learning to be confident and never to think of themselves as inferior to their male counterparts in any way.

Most of all, I was touched by the hope in their eyes and the smiles of their innocent faces. It reminded of the day I landed at the airport. They were technically, the underprivileged or the poorest of our society but they never lost the ambition to make it in life. Maybe the virginity of childhood dreams allowed them to desire to be doctors/engineers/ cricket players etc without any cynicism involved, but it was my job to tell them that they could beat the odds if they worked hard enough and I did.

Today I have my first session with them, we are going to talk about what communication skills are and why they are important. I will also find out which kid chose me as his/her mentor. This is the beginning of one of the most meaningful experiences of my life, and I finally justified my spot on earth.

Does he love me?

Does he love me, I wonder?
Doubts hit me like lightning and thunder.
One day he cries for me,
The next, he says, please leave me be.
I think of him every minute, every day..
And he says that I’m too needy, wants me out of his way.
When I’m sick and need my man around;
To hug me, make me feel safe n sound,
He is missing as usual, alone I lay.
“Ur across the city, can’t bring u medicine, you are ten minutes away”
Every minute of those three hours in my bed,
Made me go over all the promises made and things said.
Are they really true?
Cos they don’t help when I’m blue ...
And then I just wonder, this thing we are in …..Is it real?
Is it just words said for now…..forever it doesn’t feel.
When I want to open up to him, my heart, my hurt,
He says “why u such a drama queen”, makes me feel like dirt.
I decide that there is no want or need for me in his life
Then he looks at me with all this love in his eyes, n says “be my wife” ,
In two minds, does he or does he not??
Will I be happy or will I be not?
Wont fit in my family, will he make an effort to ?
The fact that his people won’t accept me remains true.
Our future is an obstacle-ridden trail,
Jobs, visas, girls with tea-cups waiting under a veil.
Forgiving is easy, forgetting is not,
His words, our fights, come back to me a lot.
I know I gave my heart, mind and soul
“Love me love me tell me that you love me”…But I’m no more a love fool

Note: This piece is a discovery from my computer archives from 3 or 4 years ago. It is amazing how much importance you can give to a boy when you are at that tender age of 18 and think you have made your decision that he is the one. And now, a more mature me hasn't given this same boy even a thought in the past year. Nevertheless, this poem shows the confusion and vulnerability of that time of innocence.

In his mind

Him:

In his mind's cavernous abyss,
Thoughts run rampant, wild and free
Ravaging his soul with a guilt laden memory
Eternal wanderer in a quest for bliss,
And what does he have to show?
Heavy lies the crown of thorns.
But the bearer it adorns,
Has a beatific smile, the sun shining on his brow.

And the wanderer spake,
Pain is incidental,
But suffering is a choice you make.

Her:

Take her hand, as she leads you into an open field
Sunshine surrounds you, engulfing your innermost darkness
In her arms, is that elusive bliss
And her touch is a healing balm
Awaiting you is the warmth of her womb
Show them who condemn, the fruit of love
The storm has passed
The skies have cleared
Its time for you to surrender your saddle
Because, my sweet wanderer, you are finally home.

Note: Only the second half is penned by me.

My 18 steps to certainty

I question, this world around me
Is destruction and death god’s decree?
Wondering if the end of days is finally here
Quakes, tsunamis, bombings, collapsing structures…. We live in fear
‘What did we do to deserve this?’, many cry out
What goes around , comes around … thats what its about
Raping the environment, ruthless felling of trees and pollution
Moral decay, religious blindness, endless greed and rampant corruption
We, as a nation, did a lot to deserve this
Proactive change is necessary, ignorance is no more …bliss

I question, what I have taken up as my profession
It does not satisfy my soul, this is a confession
Stuck neck-deep in this pointless rut
Its sad to say all I am now is a ‘corporate’ slut
Where did the passion for people go?
To help those in need, whether friend or foe
I promised to reach out to the community
But all I have now is apathy and immunity
To all the sights around me
Beyond my cush office and superficial job, I don’t see.

I question, my various social interactions and relationships
Are they based on true emotions or friendships?
I feel the presence of hidden agendas everywhere
If I didn’t serve my purpose would they still care?
I also wonder about this concept of love
Do we find ourselves a convenient mate or is it fixed from above?
Today, love thrives on bank balances, social status and even lust
And at the first sign of trouble, the so-called ‘love’ bites the dust
I question our age-old tradition of matrimony
Marriages these days start with a wedding but end in alimony

I question my decisions made in the past
The repercussions of my choices are going to last.
It is not like I regret
But if only I could rewind or forget
I question my existence in the present
Do I lead my life according to others or my own consent?
Am I prepared for my days ahead
Unknown territories I am going to tread
I question my never-ending ambition
Meeting one’s goals = happiness; is a necessary yet insufficient condition.

I incessantly doubt …I relentlessly analyze
Enlightenment and enrichment I want to catalyze
I question my million and one opinions
I know my ideas will change, they are not lifelong companions
I ponder about my currently cynical attitude
It is just a side-effect of my temporary solitude
Optimism is elusive for a second
But the moon comes down and a new day is beckoned.
I lay my questions to rest
And put my will and perseverance to test

…………….. all for a better tomorrow

PS I am really not that cynical....I actually like my job, the company I work for and even my friends. This is just random rambling on an off day.

LH 753, LH 440 - Hyderabad to Houston via Frankfurt

When you spend 20 hours with nothing to do - literally: my ipod ran out of power, couldn't concentrate on Jack Welsh's strategies on winning, my laptop went into 'hibernation' and never woke up...you end up observing, perceiving, retrospecting and introspecting. Observing people is fun.............except when they catch you staring and throw a questioning and sometimes annoyed look back at you. I was among people from absolutely every walk of life.
A bunch of old indian couples proudly announcing that they were going to visit their sons/daughters who were settled in the states. The men is crisp khadi kurtas or patu dhotis along with their kolapuris and the women with their archaic yet beautiful diamond and gold jewellery and their zari sarees. Old couples are the sweetest, uncle holds aunty while she struggles to climb up the airplane stairs and aunty cleans uncle's saliva that he is leaking all over himself while he sleeps. It makes you wonder if you will ever find some caring soul who will grey with you. I don't know if it started as passionate love that has settled into this comfortable stage or is it just caring that comes out of living with someone for so damn long. Love out of loyalty - if I may call it that, can exist between a dog and a man who have lived with each other for a decade or so. Whatever it is, its beautiful to see such endearing couples.
Then there was the hauntingly beautiful mother that was trying to put her blue-eyed little one to sleep. I was drawn to her, I wanted to know her story. Her vacant stares as she patted the baby on its back, her sad smile when the baby tried to pull her hair and the most intriguing of all was the lack of a wedding band on her slender finger. She refused food for herself over and over again but made sure that the baby was fed properly. It almost seemed like the only reason for her to live was that little soul in her hands. I wonder what happened there.
Germans are known to be formal, uptight people who like things done the proper way and the best example of this was the suit-clad german who was obviously on a business trip to India ( wonder why he was in economy class ). And a stroke of luck had him seated next to this really old parsi uncle who looked like it was his first time on an international airplane. So amusing were the dynamics of their interaction that I was probably staring at them for a good fifteen minutes. At first the german totally ignored the Indian man next to him and went on with his business but when the meals arrived and he saw the old man struggling wit the yogurt container, he politely asked him if he could help...the Parsi man thrown off by his thick accent, thought that he was asking for his yogurt and protectly held to his chest while he repeated "Its mine..get your own jhogurt." I saw the german smile ( I never knew they could, seen so many grumpy ones) and then he opened his and put it on the old man's tray. The latter finally understood, muttered thank you's and slowly gave the german, his yogurt. Humanity is always at work eh!
The german air hostesses were like yesteryear actresses trying to look as young as possible. Garish make up barely hiding their wrinkles, updos with the scanty hair that was left on their heads, tight uniforms on their old forms......but i wont call them old hags because they were nice to me and did their job quite well. I asked for two glasses of red wine and was down and out for the rest of the flight ....thank god my eyes were actually hurting from all the staring i was doing... Reached houston quiet uneventfully after that, except those bloody airport officials taking my fav sunscreen away cos it was more than 100 mls....blah....i defend myself saying the surface area of my body needs more than that ,they laugh but don't return it..

you really think this line is gonna work....??

This is a compilation of the funniest, most outrageous 'lemme do you' requests that I found as part of research during my past months of leisure. A survey of respondents (my female friends and their friends) all over the world reveals the following masterpieces....

Disclaimer: The graphic nature of this post might make some people uncomfortable but the chances of that are less because the readers of this blog are my friends and they would laugh their behinds off when they read this.

1. Lemme smack your bush up ! (prodigy would be proud of this one...lol)

2. Lemme get that pressure outta your cooker !

3. Lemme go jurassic on your park ! ( this one is a personal fav )

4. I wanna stuff you like a Thanksgiving Turkey !

5. Want me to plug the flood down there ?

6. I could be your personal plumber and fix that leak for you.

hopin you enjoy them as much as I did .

and she was born!

Trying to catch a peek through my groggy eyes , I remember the first time I caught a glimpse of my bundle of joy. My beautiful baby girl, who I had waited nine months to see. A small pink face with a tuft of black hair here or there and the most elegant, long, lady-like fingers I had ever seen my life. I could hear strains of her cry....my longing to hold her close to me was overpowering the drugs they had given me. The five minutes that the nurse took to clean her and bring her to me felt like five decades....as if i had never lived a moment without her. Finally when she was in my arms, every day of morning sickness, backache and even the doubts regarding whether a baby was right for me at that high point in my career all melted away, as if they never existed. Her little hands were in my hands....her graceful fingers intertwined in mine and I do not remember ever being more content than at that very moment.

Note: An entry that I wrote for a friend's mom's college reunion and it won - Rs 50 :) yaay!

Gorgeous Goa !

The sand feels like a thousand warm kisses on my tired feet, the sun fills me in its golden embrace ..... transporting me to childhood days when I did not fear a tan. The breeze gets tangled in my sand filled curls. The vast sea evokes a sense of humility, making me realise the size of me and my inconsequential issues compared to the unending waters that lay before me. The serene strains of lounge music scraping any signs of tension away from my troubled mind. The deep gaze of that special stranger who sat next to me sending shivers up my spine. The cool droplets of beer quenching my thirst, embedding themselves in the lower layer of my already ample belly........ woooaaa, reality hits me. ** Mental note to self....drag yourself to the gym woman!

Goa was absolutely amazing. Every minute was worth the scorching heat.

Almost as good as Goa was the train journey there. It is almost like life slows down to match the lulling speed of the train, winding through the villages of Andhra Pradesh and then the breathtaking forests of the Western Ghats. For the first time, I really enjoyed a train ride....the experience multiplies itself when you sit on the steps of the coach looking at the beauty outside compared to passing out in the cold ac compartment till its time to get off. I could not complain about the company either. A couple of people that surprised me with their intellectual capacity, also won me over with their flair for situational comedy. Then there were a few who took me to levels of annoyance that I did not know existed within me.

Summed up, it was an unforgettable trip which will always make me smile in the years to come. If nothing works out for me, I know I can always open my shack on a beach in Goa and sell idli-sambar for the rest of my existence.

Free to be me

stranded at that critical crossroad in life,
shouldering a heavy burden of societal duty
a daughter, a sister, a mother, a wife
i wonder why i feel violated - when do i have time to be me?
can i ever really be free....
of inhibition, expectation and obligation.
free to be who i want to be - the real suchi

for once i just want to surrender to my 'id' , my sinful creation
let my raw instincts lead me to that fulfilling place.
and as I race to reach my soul's desire
feeling the cool breeze of success on my face
success - not tainted by society's definition but emerging from my inner fire
freedom as a concept has enjoyed immense attention for ages
history defined slavery as unacceptable - an infringement of choice,
slavery - abolished they may argue - but blatantly or latently , humans are still in cages
even we, as members of the 'forward' society, feel like we have lost our voice
bound by society, law, relationships, the economy ...we leave ourselves behind
Shakespeare hit the nail - "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players" he said
our lives, roles, costumes , interactions with others are all - pre-defined?
so no decision in life, is really only ours......i wonder, is free will dead?
personal freedom is harder to attain if you are indian or a woman...or worse - both
India - where conformity is tradition - and the master is always male
dictating how she leads her life or, may i call it an existence with no hope of growth
chains, digging deep into my flesh, leaving traces of my individuality behind in a bloody trail
i know that my soul and my mind shall die ,
unless i release them and let them fly
before society, rules and my own internal demons decide to devour me....
I shall take the chance - risk being an anomie
my own personal revolution that shall go down in the history of my life
break free till i can say i really lived, till my last breath extinguishes in strife
for once, I shall be the king of my own and not merely a pawn
carve my own path and fight....till i see dawn.

break ke baad....

And almost a month later she returns to write her entry...blame it on two full-time jobs ( one of them being her man ), a trip to goa and a generally turbulent period.....

Now when I say turbulent, my professional and personal foundations were heavily shaken up by situations equalling 16 on the richter scale. You know... when all your life, you think you want to do something really bad....and somehow manipulate your life to end up doing it , only to find out that it wasn't all that at all.....back to square one, with no contingency plan.... advertising was always a dream, only to find out i actually might suck at it or maybe it was just teething problems and i was too chicken to stick on.... :S, well atleast i can say i dared to try, even though it looks like a few months flushed down the toilet on the surface, I can say that there surely were a few great lessons learnt and a few fantastic friends made.

a return trip to canada and then corporate communications.....may god bless me!

finally......

she has her own blog :)
she can rant, she can huff n puff, she can whine about everything under the sun without having to worry if anyone is listening
( okay, so there are a couple of good days here or there too ).....this is where it all is........the chronicles of sushi.....

as she goes full-power on her own online space, you might want to stay tuned for more!