Apr 6, 2008

A sad state of affairs.

Every morning is a war. I wake up with a mission to get through another day, to make it to the other side, even if I have to crawl till the finish line. I put my armour on - my fake smile taking attention away from my melancholic eyes, my "happy, go-lucky" attitude makes me forget my scars for the moment. I push the thoughts of self-doubt and self-pity to the very back of my conscious mind, to store it off somewhere so I can focus on the day at work and deal with those feelings later. And they come back to haunt me when I am naked, without my armour on, without my pretense on.

My mindless days end in restless nights.... nights of broken sleep and broken dreams. Did I ruin it all for myself? Am I my worst enemy? My endless rant is, if I could only go back in time, if I could only switch this one decision around....but it is never about one decision or one choice is it. It seems like the pawns have been played very carefully by destiny/whoever it is that is pulling my strings up there in really bringing me to this standstill. I am in the middle of quicksand that will engulf me if I stay at status quo for another minute, but one step forward is too risky and one step backward is dangerously comfortable.

I look at the single rose, he gave me. A warm, fuzzy feeling fills up my wounded heart. The glistening drops of dew on it, remind me of dawn, of hope. It makes me smile. But I know in a few days, the petals will wilt away,...and disappear and so will his small gestures and his vow to change his past ways. It also makes me cry. He tugs at my heart with his hopeful eyes, his pleading, soft voice making promises of a brighter tomorrow for us. But the voices in my head warn me....not to trust him or anyone again....not to let my guard down and leave myself vulnerable to all that pain that I went through before. I am cursed.... I live in an eternal state of confusion, of ambiguity, of hesitation ....If only I could choose, for once, with no regrets, whichever way it turns out. God, give me the strength to decide and move on or to decide and get lost in this sinful, painful pleasure called love.

3 comments:

Fictitioustruth said...

There is a quote i read somewhere -

"What we call the secret of happiness is no more a secret than our willingness to choose life."

Morpheus said...

Hmmm. I'll leave you to it.

Sue said...

@ fictitioustruth: It's a nice quote... very profound and very true..

They say, we are the only creations of god, that has the capability to feel such a myriad of emotions and actually know when we are feeling them. So basically, everything boils down to a simple choice. So when I say, I feel anger, I acknowledge that anger is separate from me and hence I can choose to keep it or discard it.... It is a liberating thought, because everything is our own hands...isn't it?

@morpheus: thanks, i don't like interference!