My 18 steps to certainty

I question, this world around me
Is destruction and death god’s decree?
Wondering if the end of days is finally here
Quakes, tsunamis, bombings, collapsing structures…. We live in fear
‘What did we do to deserve this?’, many cry out
What goes around , comes around … thats what its about
Raping the environment, ruthless felling of trees and pollution
Moral decay, religious blindness, endless greed and rampant corruption
We, as a nation, did a lot to deserve this
Proactive change is necessary, ignorance is no more …bliss

I question, what I have taken up as my profession
It does not satisfy my soul, this is a confession
Stuck neck-deep in this pointless rut
Its sad to say all I am now is a ‘corporate’ slut
Where did the passion for people go?
To help those in need, whether friend or foe
I promised to reach out to the community
But all I have now is apathy and immunity
To all the sights around me
Beyond my cush office and superficial job, I don’t see.

I question, my various social interactions and relationships
Are they based on true emotions or friendships?
I feel the presence of hidden agendas everywhere
If I didn’t serve my purpose would they still care?
I also wonder about this concept of love
Do we find ourselves a convenient mate or is it fixed from above?
Today, love thrives on bank balances, social status and even lust
And at the first sign of trouble, the so-called ‘love’ bites the dust
I question our age-old tradition of matrimony
Marriages these days start with a wedding but end in alimony

I question my decisions made in the past
The repercussions of my choices are going to last.
It is not like I regret
But if only I could rewind or forget
I question my existence in the present
Do I lead my life according to others or my own consent?
Am I prepared for my days ahead
Unknown territories I am going to tread
I question my never-ending ambition
Meeting one’s goals = happiness; is a necessary yet insufficient condition.

I incessantly doubt …I relentlessly analyze
Enlightenment and enrichment I want to catalyze
I question my million and one opinions
I know my ideas will change, they are not lifelong companions
I ponder about my currently cynical attitude
It is just a side-effect of my temporary solitude
Optimism is elusive for a second
But the moon comes down and a new day is beckoned.
I lay my questions to rest
And put my will and perseverance to test

…………….. all for a better tomorrow

PS I am really not that cynical....I actually like my job, the company I work for and even my friends. This is just random rambling on an off day.

LH 753, LH 440 - Hyderabad to Houston via Frankfurt

When you spend 20 hours with nothing to do - literally: my ipod ran out of power, couldn't concentrate on Jack Welsh's strategies on winning, my laptop went into 'hibernation' and never woke up...you end up observing, perceiving, retrospecting and introspecting. Observing people is fun.............except when they catch you staring and throw a questioning and sometimes annoyed look back at you. I was among people from absolutely every walk of life.
A bunch of old indian couples proudly announcing that they were going to visit their sons/daughters who were settled in the states. The men is crisp khadi kurtas or patu dhotis along with their kolapuris and the women with their archaic yet beautiful diamond and gold jewellery and their zari sarees. Old couples are the sweetest, uncle holds aunty while she struggles to climb up the airplane stairs and aunty cleans uncle's saliva that he is leaking all over himself while he sleeps. It makes you wonder if you will ever find some caring soul who will grey with you. I don't know if it started as passionate love that has settled into this comfortable stage or is it just caring that comes out of living with someone for so damn long. Love out of loyalty - if I may call it that, can exist between a dog and a man who have lived with each other for a decade or so. Whatever it is, its beautiful to see such endearing couples.
Then there was the hauntingly beautiful mother that was trying to put her blue-eyed little one to sleep. I was drawn to her, I wanted to know her story. Her vacant stares as she patted the baby on its back, her sad smile when the baby tried to pull her hair and the most intriguing of all was the lack of a wedding band on her slender finger. She refused food for herself over and over again but made sure that the baby was fed properly. It almost seemed like the only reason for her to live was that little soul in her hands. I wonder what happened there.
Germans are known to be formal, uptight people who like things done the proper way and the best example of this was the suit-clad german who was obviously on a business trip to India ( wonder why he was in economy class ). And a stroke of luck had him seated next to this really old parsi uncle who looked like it was his first time on an international airplane. So amusing were the dynamics of their interaction that I was probably staring at them for a good fifteen minutes. At first the german totally ignored the Indian man next to him and went on with his business but when the meals arrived and he saw the old man struggling wit the yogurt container, he politely asked him if he could help...the Parsi man thrown off by his thick accent, thought that he was asking for his yogurt and protectly held to his chest while he repeated "Its mine..get your own jhogurt." I saw the german smile ( I never knew they could, seen so many grumpy ones) and then he opened his and put it on the old man's tray. The latter finally understood, muttered thank you's and slowly gave the german, his yogurt. Humanity is always at work eh!
The german air hostesses were like yesteryear actresses trying to look as young as possible. Garish make up barely hiding their wrinkles, updos with the scanty hair that was left on their heads, tight uniforms on their old forms......but i wont call them old hags because they were nice to me and did their job quite well. I asked for two glasses of red wine and was down and out for the rest of the flight ....thank god my eyes were actually hurting from all the staring i was doing... Reached houston quiet uneventfully after that, except those bloody airport officials taking my fav sunscreen away cos it was more than 100 mls....blah....i defend myself saying the surface area of my body needs more than that ,they laugh but don't return it..

you really think this line is gonna work....??

This is a compilation of the funniest, most outrageous 'lemme do you' requests that I found as part of research during my past months of leisure. A survey of respondents (my female friends and their friends) all over the world reveals the following masterpieces....

Disclaimer: The graphic nature of this post might make some people uncomfortable but the chances of that are less because the readers of this blog are my friends and they would laugh their behinds off when they read this.

1. Lemme smack your bush up ! (prodigy would be proud of this one...lol)

2. Lemme get that pressure outta your cooker !

3. Lemme go jurassic on your park ! ( this one is a personal fav )

4. I wanna stuff you like a Thanksgiving Turkey !

5. Want me to plug the flood down there ?

6. I could be your personal plumber and fix that leak for you.

hopin you enjoy them as much as I did .

and she was born!

Trying to catch a peek through my groggy eyes , I remember the first time I caught a glimpse of my bundle of joy. My beautiful baby girl, who I had waited nine months to see. A small pink face with a tuft of black hair here or there and the most elegant, long, lady-like fingers I had ever seen my life. I could hear strains of her cry....my longing to hold her close to me was overpowering the drugs they had given me. The five minutes that the nurse took to clean her and bring her to me felt like five decades....as if i had never lived a moment without her. Finally when she was in my arms, every day of morning sickness, backache and even the doubts regarding whether a baby was right for me at that high point in my career all melted away, as if they never existed. Her little hands were in my hands....her graceful fingers intertwined in mine and I do not remember ever being more content than at that very moment.

Note: An entry that I wrote for a friend's mom's college reunion and it won - Rs 50 :) yaay!

Gorgeous Goa !

The sand feels like a thousand warm kisses on my tired feet, the sun fills me in its golden embrace ..... transporting me to childhood days when I did not fear a tan. The breeze gets tangled in my sand filled curls. The vast sea evokes a sense of humility, making me realise the size of me and my inconsequential issues compared to the unending waters that lay before me. The serene strains of lounge music scraping any signs of tension away from my troubled mind. The deep gaze of that special stranger who sat next to me sending shivers up my spine. The cool droplets of beer quenching my thirst, embedding themselves in the lower layer of my already ample belly........ woooaaa, reality hits me. ** Mental note to self....drag yourself to the gym woman!

Goa was absolutely amazing. Every minute was worth the scorching heat.

Almost as good as Goa was the train journey there. It is almost like life slows down to match the lulling speed of the train, winding through the villages of Andhra Pradesh and then the breathtaking forests of the Western Ghats. For the first time, I really enjoyed a train ride....the experience multiplies itself when you sit on the steps of the coach looking at the beauty outside compared to passing out in the cold ac compartment till its time to get off. I could not complain about the company either. A couple of people that surprised me with their intellectual capacity, also won me over with their flair for situational comedy. Then there were a few who took me to levels of annoyance that I did not know existed within me.

Summed up, it was an unforgettable trip which will always make me smile in the years to come. If nothing works out for me, I know I can always open my shack on a beach in Goa and sell idli-sambar for the rest of my existence.

Free to be me

stranded at that critical crossroad in life,
shouldering a heavy burden of societal duty
a daughter, a sister, a mother, a wife
i wonder why i feel violated - when do i have time to be me?
can i ever really be free....
of inhibition, expectation and obligation.
free to be who i want to be - the real suchi

for once i just want to surrender to my 'id' , my sinful creation
let my raw instincts lead me to that fulfilling place.
and as I race to reach my soul's desire
feeling the cool breeze of success on my face
success - not tainted by society's definition but emerging from my inner fire
freedom as a concept has enjoyed immense attention for ages
history defined slavery as unacceptable - an infringement of choice,
slavery - abolished they may argue - but blatantly or latently , humans are still in cages
even we, as members of the 'forward' society, feel like we have lost our voice
bound by society, law, relationships, the economy ...we leave ourselves behind
Shakespeare hit the nail - "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players" he said
our lives, roles, costumes , interactions with others are all - pre-defined?
so no decision in life, is really only ours......i wonder, is free will dead?
personal freedom is harder to attain if you are indian or a woman...or worse - both
India - where conformity is tradition - and the master is always male
dictating how she leads her life or, may i call it an existence with no hope of growth
chains, digging deep into my flesh, leaving traces of my individuality behind in a bloody trail
i know that my soul and my mind shall die ,
unless i release them and let them fly
before society, rules and my own internal demons decide to devour me....
I shall take the chance - risk being an anomie
my own personal revolution that shall go down in the history of my life
break free till i can say i really lived, till my last breath extinguishes in strife
for once, I shall be the king of my own and not merely a pawn
carve my own path and fight....till i see dawn.

break ke baad....

And almost a month later she returns to write her entry...blame it on two full-time jobs ( one of them being her man ), a trip to goa and a generally turbulent period.....

Now when I say turbulent, my professional and personal foundations were heavily shaken up by situations equalling 16 on the richter scale. You know... when all your life, you think you want to do something really bad....and somehow manipulate your life to end up doing it , only to find out that it wasn't all that at all.....back to square one, with no contingency plan.... advertising was always a dream, only to find out i actually might suck at it or maybe it was just teething problems and i was too chicken to stick on.... :S, well atleast i can say i dared to try, even though it looks like a few months flushed down the toilet on the surface, I can say that there surely were a few great lessons learnt and a few fantastic friends made.

a return trip to canada and then corporate communications.....may god bless me!